Evaluating The Team Needs
My daughter is eight years old, and I could already start to hear that tone in her voice. Mamas, you know the tone. It’s the tone that says, “WHATEVER MOM” or “yeah, I already knew that”. The tone that some of us have a knee jerk reaction to that makes us count to ten before responding or leave the room all together. Or you end up with that face that gives off every signal that precious angel should run for the hills as you ask eerily and casually, “who…who are you talking to?” That tone! It made me feel as though my sweet, magical girl was turning into sand. Her bent towards me being sifted through my hands, floating away in a hazy wind of friends and pop culture and other influences. It quite literally broke my heart.
My goal in parenting is not to be my daughter’s friend now, but to set the stage to build the foundation for a beautiful friendship later. With that goal in mind, I try to discipline with love and respect, while allowing her to maintain a sense of dignity in the process. I have had many failures and lost my cool and yelled until she cried, or I cried. I have spoken to her in such a way that her little face stopped me in my tracks, leaving me begging her and God for forgiveness. But she’s always been my girl! My road dog. My ace. And that tight bond seemed to have been loosening.
I Am Not The Coach
I always want her to know that she can come to me with anything, and we can have open and respectful dialogue. But the struggle is real y’all! Some days, I think, she is going to run away from this house and never look back if I have to get on her about one more thing. Ugh! I hate being the “bad guy” but I love her too much to not walk in my calling as her guide. There in lies the rub. The desire to foster an unbreakable relationship between her and I that gives me the reach I need to influence her heart for good while maintaining my clear role as parent.
But I have realized something in the last couple years. Parenting isn’t any more about me than the movie Steel Magnolias is about trees. It isn’t about what I want at all. Not even a little. I had to realize I am not the coach! God is. As the parent, it is my job to stay fully connected and engaged in my walk with Christ, that I may hear clearly from Him concerning my children and the course in which He has designed just for them. A scout carries out the coach’s desires and needs for the team, not his own. It is my job to study my children and pray God’s will for and over their lives—not my own. To know their strengths and struggles. To know what they value and what they love. To know whether their hearts are turned towards the things of Christ or not. To disciple them into an eternal certainty of joy and peace and ever-lasting love, should they choose. It is not my job to ensure they achieve all the things I’ve dreamt for them. Saying it is easy. Living it is hard.
You Have A Highlight Reel (Even If You Feel Like You Suck)
I want to pause here and give a word of encouragement that someone gave to me recently. For those mamas who feel like you are not on the front lines for Christ or serving in your purpose– know this. If I told you that I voluntarily lived with two or three or four or more non-believers in my home. I fed them. I clothed them. I cared for them when they were sick. I prayed over them and with them daily. And my goal was that someday, they too would come to know Christ. Some would say, “Wow! She’s really living on the edge for Christ. What amazing missionary work she’s doing!” Well, guess what? That’s EXACTLY what you do every single day! These precious little humans that we love and care for day in and day out, need the salvation Jesus Christ offers, and guess who is the first missionary they encounter? You! Amazing, hard-working, fierce, loving, nurturing Mama Bear You! Don’t miss the purpose in the mundanity of everyday life with your kids. You are doing the work of the few on a very narrow path. “But let us not lose heart in doing good; for we will reap in due season, if we don’t give up.” Galatians 6:9
Hunting Down The Talent
Being the determined, optimistic, I-can-turn-this-tide type of mama bear that I am, I would not go quietly into the abyss of parents that have lost reach and influence with their children. I will also not settle for some Disney version of a relationship with my kids where the parents are butt-of-the-joke idiots while the children are sarcastic, clever know it alls. I want a real deal report and relationship. And you better believe I will not stop vying for their hearts to have it.
My pastor recently put a name to this “vying” for me. It was something my husband and I knew we wanted to prioritize before they took their first breaths. He called it scouting your kids. You can watch his message here! Scouting literally means to observe in order to obtain information or evaluate. We knew we wanted to crawl inside the hearts of our children and figure out what they desired and loved and their giftedness and then cultivate those things alongside them with God as our guide. We knew we’d need to become scouts of our children. Studying them as thoroughly as a college football coach looking to fill a void on his team. I believe all children are here to fill some hole in our world that can only be filled by what they have offer. A scout would be foolish to only consider the abilities and characteristics of an athlete and neglect to view their attributes in light of the bigger plan for their team. So it goes in parenting. I must study my children, keeping the bigger plan for their lives as an ever-present reminder that their personalities, abilities, character and gifts are not for me to always be seeking to change, improve, or stifle. Rather, I should always be seeking to figure out how to nurture their goodness that they might be lights in the world.
We may change strategy as they move through different stages. One of us may bear a heavier load in one season or the next. We may even seem to have more failures than victories in some seasons. But there are five consistent pillars in our approach to scouting our children that are non-negotiable.
Start With Prayer
Every morning I pray over my children. I pray out loud so they can hear my heart concerning them. So my prayer will be so rooted in their hearts that they can recite it back to me and hold on to that prayer as an anchor for tough days to come. I see my child’s struggles and strengths, her dreams and her doubts. Who better than a mama to pray so intently and specifically over and for your babies than you? Get specific! I find scripture to speak over the things that they struggle with and the promises I believe God has for them. For example, I pray Joshua 1:9 over my little guy every night saying, “I pray that Lawson will be strong and courageous. That he will not be afraid or discouraged. That he would know You are with him wherever he goes.” Some of the things I pray every morning over my daughter is that she would be a leader and not a follower, that she would choose righteousness, that she would be a blessing to her friends and her teachers, and that she would love God with her words and actions. Write your prayers down and get specific!
Come Down to Their World
Me and my daughter sat down at the start of summer and we came up with our own summer bucket list—just some fun things she wants us to do together. Doing these activities with her has been so much fun for us! But it doesn’t have to be a formal list of things. Go to their room or the backyard or wherever they like to play, leave your cell phone across the house and do whatever they like to do. Get on the floor, play dress up, build Legos, play pranks on dad, plan a mommy and me sleepover, let them teach you something. Whatever it is, they get to lead and you get to give them your genuine interest and undivided, uninterrupted time. You’d be surprise how this one little act, can almost instantly change the atmosphere of your relationship. Look out for my post with lots of fun ideas for you to create fun, intentional moments with your kids!
Find Your Five
As your children grow older, it’s inevitable that they will go through stages where your influence greatly diminishes. Use this knowledge to your advantage and plan ahead. Pray about five intentional people that you know and fully trust to ask to begin (or continue) to build a report and relationship with your child. They need to be willing to be in it for the long haul and take their role seriously in your child’s life. We’ve been blessed that our five were found in nieces and aunts and family members of choice who were already invested in our kids lives. You want to be very prayerful about these people and their role in your child’s life. The purpose of these five is to create a village of trusted people that love and care for your child, who when your child may not talk to you about things, you’ve already created safety a net of people who you trust that your child can turn to without you having to direct them. I schedule my five to take my daughter out for lunch or dinner on her birthday every year, and they are to speak blessing over her and tell her the wonderful things that see in her. She doesn’t even realize how intentional this all is. She just sees it as a fun night out with her big cousin or an exciting day out auntie. As the years go on, she will have such a special bond with each of these people. As parent, I want to give her the best possible chance to find sound advice when she may not turn to me. Your five are an investment in future wisdom for your child. A planted seed that will reap a bountiful harvest for you when your child may seem the farthest away from you.
Be Consistent
This may be the most important pillar of all and the most challenging too. Children flourish in the security of consistency. None of this works if its a half-hearted, sometimey effort. There will be missteps and failures and days where you feel like cracking open a bottle wine way more than cracking open God’s Word along the way, but you have to believe in the prize in which you set out to claim. And that is a thriving, authentic relationship with your child that draws them closer to Christ with every interaction. Stay the course!
Be Honest
Some kids think their parents are perfect. That they never struggled with the things that they do or got into trouble like they do. Share your story with your kids! When my daughter gets in trouble, it’s often something that I commonly got in trouble for too. It so softens a moment of discipline when I share a story with her of how I got in trouble for the very same thing. Often, we end up laughing at me and my parents “old school” and sometimes hilarious methods of discipline. She still gets her consequences, but she doesn’t feel crushed by yet another “failure”. Kids internalize things so differently than we may perceive them to, so it’s our job to try to make sure they feel understood and respected, even in discipline. Sharing your journey, in appropriate ways, helps them to feel more connected to you, reinforcing the foundation for an amazing relationship.
I pray that this blesses your home as it has mine. We are far from perfect but I run hard after the hearts of my babies as long as there is breath in my body. I pray that I am building the foundation for loving and authentic friendship in the future. What do you do to help cultivate a strong relationship with your children? Would love to hear what you do below!
